In 1969 Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross developed a theory of how people deal grief. According to her theory, when someone goes through any kind of situation that causes profound grief, they will go through five emotional stages in order to move on.
Now according to Kubbler Ross, we must go through these stages in that order, however since 1969, psychologist alike have come to the conclusion that people can jump from denial to bargaining to anger back to denial. Like many thing having to do with our emotions, there is no set in stone answer.
I don’t know exactly what order I have been going in the last few months, but I do know one thing for sure. Instead of wanting to deal with all the pain and loss I have been subject to, I had been pushing it all away and distracting myself with anyone or anything I could.
My serial dating with men that I know I have absolutely no future or feelings for has kept my mind off of my ex and being lonely. Constantly having sound around the apartment and being stimulated by movies and music so that my mind would be busy. When I would go to sleep at night I would make sure I would go to sleep to a movie or TV playing so that my mind wouldn’t have a chance to start thinking about everything that happened. I was making a conscious yet subconscious effort to make sure I never let myself start down the rabbit hole of emotion.
It seemed to be working fine and I almost had myself convinced I really was moving on from all this when the smallest thing tipped the scales and it all started to go downhill. That one small, normally in consequential event opened the flood gates of emotion and pain.
Where before keeping my mind busy with music and studying would keep it from going to dark places now I can’t seem to stop it. Even now in my dreams the memories of having a gun pointed at my head come back to me. When I wake up, instead of being able to keep my physical self busy by working out, I can hardly seem to get out of bed.
As Kubler Ross would say, I had officially moved from denial to depression.