When you truly love someone, when you truly give everything to another person, what your actually doing is giving them a piece of your heart.
Your inviting them to enter into the most sacred of places we as humans have to offer someone else. When you truly love someone, it is a selfless love. And when that love is betrayed or misused, you loose that part of your heart that that person and that love once held.
For a long time I thought that feelings of loneliness, longing and total despair were feelings that I was having for the actual person that I lost. But now I know that these feelings are actually mourning that part of myself that their selfish love stole from me. When someone who you love takes for granted the most precious gift you can offer, it leaves an emptiness inside you.
Sometimes, if I hold still enough, I can actually feel the emptiness inside me. It can take my breath away and make it actually painful to breathe. And even though every part of my body is telling me to let go and cry, I can’t. I can’t because I fear if I let the tears come out, not only will the emptiness and pain become unbearable but that the tears may never stop.
When you give someone a selfless kind of love and it is taken away, you are left in pieces of the person you were before. You quite literally are, heartbroken….
“Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself.”
For almost my whole life every man in my life has either lied, cheated or used me for something. I’ve been kicked and torn down by the men that I thought loved me so many times that it’s a damn miracle that I’m not stripping in some shady bar at a truck stop. Almost every boyfriend that I have given my heart to has treated it like trash and thrown it back in my face. Perhaps it all stems from my own father and the daddy issues that I developed as a child.
As a young girl I thought what almost all little girls think of their dads, that he was a super hero. That he could do no wrong and take away any pain with a hug and kiss. I know I was entirely too young when that fantasy world was taken away from me and I was forced to see him as the flawed person he is. Like all the men that followed him, I learned that he was lying and cheating on my own mother. So maybe that is where my extremely LOW expectations in relationships come from.
The term codependent is something that fits my personality to a “T.” I enjoy helping people whenever I can, hence my choices in career paths, teacher, counselor and nurse… but it also transfers over to my love life. Because after each heartbreak I have it seems my need to provide and fix the person I love gets deeper and deeper. I give myself whole heartedly to relationships with men that give little or nothing in return. For a long time I felt that the only way to love someone is to love selflessly and that is exactly what I’ve done for years. In fact, I’ve loved the men in my life so much that I have managed to stop loving myself.
For years I kept myself in a relationship with a man who would habitually cheat and lie to me. Even though everyone around me could see what was happening, I was so blinded by the fear of being alone that I wouldn’t let myself see it. Fast forward five years down the road and I’m sitting in a court room pleading to a judge for a restraining order and to finally give me freedom from this hell I’ve created for myself.
Even though technically I am free from that hell, I still have a long way to get back to the person I use to be. I don’t expect miracles from myself and even though distraction and denial is a very tempting alternative, I’m finally forcing myself to deal with my demons once and for all.